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| I just had a long talk with Mia about what's been going on in her life and in the process, I talked about my breakup with Jason. I have hid those feelings for so long that I almost forgot about them and never really reviewed them. When I return to those 2 days after we broke up, I feel the pain almost as if it's fresh. I have never felt so much pain. I buried almost all of the memories and emotions that I felt during that time. While it was happening, I never allowed myself to feel the pain, which allowed me to move on faster than 95% of the population would have. It was pure emotional raw pain. My heart was clenched so tight that I could barely breathe, forgot that I was living. I asked him to hold me one last time while we slept that last night and I will never forget how amazing that felt. Saying goodbye at the airport was so difficult. I could barely let go. I wanted to be held in that hug forever and forget that it was all happening and wish that moment could live. I didn't want to say goodbye. When I got home from the airport, I completely crashed. I couldn't stop crying. I literally could not handle the pain. Emotional pain manifests itself physically and I felt so in pain physically. My heart really felt like it was breaking. I couldn't breathe. It was just tears. By day 2, I pulled myself together, slept with someone else, drank and partied a lot, spent every second with my friends, and then had rebound flings, which helped me not think or remember the pain. I pushed everything out and blocked him out of my life completely and forever. Maybe not forever but definitely for a long time. But I will always remember that pain. I felt completely lifeless and thought that I would never get over it...how could I ever move on when it hurt so bad? But you just get up one day, for me, after 2 days, and even though your mind is a mess and not mentally ready, your mind is less of a mess and more mentally ready than it was the previous 2 days. Essentially, I was over him in a month. But those 2 days were probably the worst in my life. I had never felt so lonely and dead. Lying in bed shaking with tears, sobbing uncontrollably, trying to breathe when not overcome with my chest clenching. There was no future or present...just the past and the blind desire to bring back the past and the pure pain of missing it and not having it. And there you have it. It's sad to say that the most distinct memories I have of our relationship are of those 2 days and those are the things that will stay with me for the rest of my life. | | |
| So I'm really happy right now...probably for the first time in a long time. And by right now, I mean at this moment. Everything could change tomorrow, but I'm finally living in the moment. Things with GTL are good, I'm making ridiculous money (especially for a 22-year-old), and I have one of the best friends a person could ever have. How can life not be good? My poker game is getting into top form and I am playing well right now. I had a bad run where I was playing ridiculously stupid. I loosened up my game way too much and tried to buy too many pots. I've tightened up now and I can steal so much more because I pick my spots. I've also worked passivity into my play and that seems to be working well. Ultra aggression is really difficult if you're not hitting cards and other people are because they trap you too easily. This game is so fabulous and I learn new things every time I play.
In other news, I went up to Turning Stone Casino last Sunday expecting to lose. I lost $2400 from blackjack and craps because I was stupid. I went up big and just couldn't leave the table. I played 14 hours straight in blackjack with a little break at the craps table. You know life is good when you lose $2400 and laugh about it. Jimmy lost $3500 and Gary lost $3400 so I didn't even lose that much compared to them. They've vowed to quit gambling until October and every time one of them gambles, they have to pay the other person $200. I wonder how long they're going to last. Gary wouldn't even play cold hands on Thursday because Jimmy said it was considered gambling. I also vowed to quit casinos for a while, but I just can't help myself. Every time I think about blackjack, I am tempted to go to the high limit $100 min bet room and go on a sick run and win $5000. I'd be satisfied with $1500 and in the high limit room, it doesn't even take a huge run to make $1500. I think I might play it next time. We'll see. As for right now, all I know is that life is good and at this moment, I am extremely happy and satisfied. | | |
| I played tonight and I've been on such a good streak lately that it was time to lose. I got aces cracked twice, once on the turn and once on the river. I should've folded the first time but I played the player and the player that CJ was...well, sometimes you just have to call him. The second time, someone had KT and the flop was KQJ. He pushed all in on the flop in early position and after thinking about it for some time, I called him. He was a tight player and easily could've had 2 pair, but I actually put him on a hand like AK. A better hand would've check-raised me. He had 8 outs (2 kings, 2 aces, 4 nines). A 9 came on the river. I took the beats really well and didn't tilt at all. I actually played pretty well tonight. I made some good calls. I flopped a set in one hand and got NO action. Ugh! Anyway, I'm not upset at all. I was expecting a losing session at some point because I felt like I was due. Well, the due just came so it should be uphill from here. | | |
| I just came back from Atlantic City. I mostly gambled on Sunday and Monday and then a tiny bit on Tuesday. I made over $2700 and $1300 of that was from blackjack. I was playing $25 minimum bet BJ tables and I learned all about pressing my bets and that's how you make your money. Otherwise, the house has an advantage over you. If you keep betting the same amount, you're less than even money to win. By pressing your bets when you're hot, you make your money. It's a swingy game and it's like playing your rush in poker. I am absolutely enthralled with the game. I grind at the poker tables for 8-10 hours making the same amount of money I can make in BJ in an hour. It's incredible. In poker, I made most of my money in 20/40 Limit and a little in 5/10 NL. It was a good few days...a lucky few days. I was even able to bluff someone off pocket aces with a pair of fours. My first trip to AC was a huge success and now I'm all about blackjack! | | |
| Patrick sent me the cutest message. I asked him for Boo's # and he wrote:
well apparently u already got it cuz he told me ya called....i was gonna call ya back then i remembered i was mad at ya for not replying to my text message but its ok...im gonna get even you wait and see
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